The U.S. Constitution - A Liberal Interpretation

 For years, many rational people, conservative pundits and Constitutional scholars among them, have been at a complete loss to explain the behavior of many on the left side of the political spectrum in this country, particularly in relation to our court system. Now, for the first time, we may have an explanation!
 In another Stiffroot exclusive, we have obtained a copy of the U.S. Constitution, complete with crib notes, from the desk of a Judge on the very liberal U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, who shall remain unnamed. This document, being made public here for the first time, may go a long way towards explaining the behavior of many left wing jurists and politicians in this country, if they are all working from similar copies of the Constitution.
So, in honor of the new Iraqi Constitution, the Stiffroot Corner proudly presents:
The U.S. Constitution - through the eyes of a liberal...
Preamble:
We the People of the United States progressive-minded citizens of the North American Province of the United Nations, in Order to form a more perfect Union obtain a far groovier chakra, establish Social Justice, get righteous with Mother Earth, insure domestic Tranquility partnerships of any nature, provide for the common defence promotion of peace, free love and a total lack of responsibility, promote the general creation of the Welfare State, and secure the Blessings of Liberty some boss doobage to for ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America North American Province of the United Nations.
Article I
Section 1
All legislative Powers herein granted shall be vested in a Congress of the United States, which shall consist of a Senate and House of Representatives and shall be subjugated to the will of the United Nations.
Section 2
Clause 1:
The House of Representatives shall be composed of Members chosen every second Year by the People of the several blue States....
Clause 2:
No Person shall be a Representative who shall not have attained to the Age of twenty five Years, and been seven Years a Citizen of the United States, and who shall not, when elected, be an Inhabitant of that State in which he shall be chosen approval of the Democrat Party.
Clause 3:
Representatives and direct Taxes shall be apportioned among the several States which may be included within this Union, according to their respective Numbers collected in mass quantities from the rich, which shall be determined to be anyone who makes more than $10,000.00 per year...
Clause 4:
When vacancies happen in the Representation from any State, the Executive Authority thereof shall issue Writs of Election to media shall fill such Vacancies.
Clause 5:
The House of Representatives DNC shall choose their Speaker and other Officers; and shall have the sole Power of Impeachment over the evil Chimpy McBushitler.
Section 3
Clause 1:
The Senate of the United States shall be composed of two Senators from each blue State, chosen by the Legislature media thereof, for six Years life; and each Democrat Senator shall have one Vote as many Votes as they need to overcome the evil Nazis of the Republican Party.
Clause 2:
Blah, Blah, Blah...
Clause 3:
Yadda, Yadda, Yadda...
Clause 4:
The Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no Vote, unless they be equally divided a Democrat.
Clause 5:
The Senate MoveOn.org shall choose their other Officers, and also a President pro tempore, in the Absence of the Vice President, or when he shall exercise the Office of President of the United States.
Clause 6:
The Senate shall have the sole Power to try all Impeachments of that traitorous piece of subhuman filth, "the Shrub". When sitting for that Purpose, they shall be on Oath or Affirmation television. When the President of the United States Bushitler is tried, the Chief Justice Rep. John Conyers shall preside: And no Person he shall be convicted without the Concurrence of two thirds of the Members present.
Clause 7:
Judgment in Cases of Impeachment shall not extend further than to removal from Office, and disqualification to hold and enjoy any Office of honor, Trust or Profit under the United States: but the Party convicted shall nevertheless be liable and subject to Indictment, Trial, Judgment and Punishment, according to Law result in immediate summary execution, though we don't believe in capital punishment except for evil Republicans.
Section 4
Clause 1:
The Times, Places and Manner of holding Elections for Senators and Representatives, shall be prescribed in each State by the Legislature thereof; but the Congress may at any time by Law make or alter such Regulations, except as to the Places of chusing Senators as whenever most convenient for the Democrat Party's base.
Clause 2:
Whatever...
Section 5
Clause 1:
Each House shall be the Judge of the Elections, Returns and Qualifications of its own Members, and a Majority of each shall constitute a Quorum to do Business; but a smaller Number may adjourn from day to day, and may be authorized to compel the Attendance of absent Members, in such Manner, and under such Penalties as each House may provide run by the Democrats in perpetuity.
Clause 2:
Each House Progressive bloggers may determine the Rules of its Proceedings, punish its Members for disorderly Behaviour Republicans, and, with the Concurrence of two thirds George Soros, expel a Member Tom DeLay.
Clause 3:
Each House shall keep a Journal of its Proceedings, and from time to time publish the same, excepting such Parts as may in their Judgment require Secrecy embarrass a Democrat; and the Yeas and Nays of the Members of either House on any question shall, at the Desire of one fifth of those Present Democrats, be entered on the Journal.
Clause 4:
Ho Hum...
Section 6
Yawn...
Section 7
Clause 1:
All Bills for raising Revenue shall originate in the House of Representatives; but the Senate may propose or concur with Amendments as on other Bills pass by overwhelming margins.
Clause 2:
Every Bill which shall have passed the House of Representatives and the Senate, shall, before it become a Law, be presented to the new President of the United States, a Democrat; If he approves he shall sign it... who are we kidding, if it includes a nice fat, juicy tax increase, he'll sign it!
Clause 3:
Moving Right Along...
Section 8
Clause 1:
The Congress shall have Power To lay and collect copious punitive Taxes, Duties, Imposts and Excises, to pay the Debts and provide for the common Defence and general Welfare recipients of the United States...
Clause 2:
To borrow steal Money on the credit of the United States;
Clause 3:
To regulate Commerce with kiss the asses of foreign Nations, and among the several States, and with the Indian Tribes;
Clause 4:
To establish an uniform Rule of Naturalization open the borders, and uniform Laws on the subject of Bankruptcies throughout the United States;
Clause 5:
To coin print Money, regulate the Value thereof, and of foreign Coin, and fix the Standard of Weights and Measures outcome of all future elections in favor of Democrats;
Clause 6:
To provide for the Punishment of counterfeiting the Securities and current Coin of the United States;
Clause 7:
To establish Post Offices and post Roads and to post the phone numbers of hot interns on the walls of the men's restroom;
Clause 8:
To promote the Progressives of Science and useful tasteless Arts, by securing for limited Times to Authors and Inventors the exclusive Right to their respective Writings and Discoveries tax money for pictures of religious icons in jars of urine;
Clause 9:
To recognize that this constitution Tribunals is wholly inferior to the supreme Court;
Clause 10:
To define and punish Piracies and Felonies committed on the high Seas, and Offences against the Law of Nations Republicans and Conservatives;
Clause 11:
To declare War, grant Letters of Marque and Reprisal, and make Rules concerning Captures on Land and Water Peace, because if we just wish really, really hard and promise to get along with everybody, they will all love us and we can hold hands and hug and make love not war;
Clause 12:
To raise and support Armies, but no Appropriation of Money to that Use shall be for a longer Term than two Years more taxes for social programs;
Clause 13:
To provide and maintain a Navy nice buzz;
Clause 14:
To make Rules for the Government and Regulation immediate dismantling of the land and naval Forces;
Clause 15:
To provide for calling forth the Militia to execute the Laws of the Union, suppress Insurrections and repel Invasions No! No! No!;
Clause 16:
To provide for organizing, arming, and disciplining, the Militia, and for governing such Part of them as may be employed in the Service of the United States, reserving to the States respectively, the Appointment of the Officers, and the Authority of training the Militia according to the discipline prescribed by Congress Can't we all just get along?;
Clause 17:
To exercise exclusive Legislation in all Cases whatsoever, over such District (not exceeding ten Miles square) as may, byCession of particular States, and the Acceptance of Congress, become the Seat of the Government of the United States, and to exercise like Authority over all Places purchased by the Consent of the Legislature of the State in which the Same shall be, for the Erection of Forts, Magazines, Arsenals, dock-Yards, and other needful Buildings All we are saying, is Give Peace a Chance...;--And
Clause 18:
To make all Laws which shall be necessary and proper... Blah, Blah, Blah...
Section 8? Wait, isn't there supposed to be something about subsidized housing? Oh, and Klinger wearing dresses? Oops! My bad! Wrong Section 8's. Nevermind.
Section 9
Clause 1:
The Migration or Importation of such all Persons as any of the States now existing shall think proper to admit who manage to sneak across the borders, shall not be prohibited by the Congress prior to the Year one thousand eight hundred and eight, but a Tax or duty may be imposed on such Importation, not exceeding ten dollars for each Person as long as they can be registered to vote as Democrats.
Clause 2:
The Privilege of the Writ of Habeas Corpus shall not be suspended, unless when in Cases of Rebellion or Invasion the public Safety an opportunity to nail that fat bastard, Rush Limbaugh may require it.
Clause 3:
No Bill of Attainder or ex post facto Law shall be passed We'll do whatever we want to, so there!.
Clause 4:
No Capitation, or other direct, Tax shall be laid, unless in Proportion to the Census or Enumeration herein before directed to be taken. Smoked by Amendment XVI, In Your Face, Founders!
Clause 5:
No Tax or Duty shall be laid on Articles exported from any State You didn't see anything here, keep moving!.
Clause 6:
Boring!
Clause 7:
No Money shall be drawn from the Treasury, but in Consequence of Appropriations made by Law; and a regular Statement and Account of the Receipts and Expenditures of all public Money shall be published from time to time used to further the cause of Socialism Oops! Er... Uh... Progressivism.
Clause 8:
No Title of Nobility shall be granted by the United States: And no Person holding any Office of Profit or Trust under them, shall, without the Consent of the Congress, accept of any present, Emolument, Office, or Title, of any kind whatever, from any King, Prince, or foreign State except to members of the Kennedy Family.
Section 10
Who cares? Next!
Article II
Section 1
Clause 1:
The executive Power shall be vested in a Democrat President of the United States of America. He or SHE (you Medieval sexist pigs) shall hold his or HER Office during the Term of four Years, and, together with the Vice President, chosen for the same Term, be elected, as follows
Clause 2:
Poof! It's gone!
Clause 3:
Nope! No more Electors, the Founders were idiots and that's how we got stuck with Chimpy in the first place, so bugger off!
Clause 4:
The Congress Labor Unions may determine the Time of choosing the Electors President, and the Day on which they shall give their Votes; which Day shall be the same throughout the United States.
Clause 5:
No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty five Years, and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States. This means you, Terminator! Exceptions may be made for special people like Jennifer Granholm, however, or, be still my beating heart, Jacques Chirac!
Clause 6:
In Case of the Removal of the President Shrub from Office, or of his Death, Resignation, or Inability to discharge the Powers and Duties of the said Office, Oh happy day! the Same shall devolve on the VicePresident, and the Congress may by Law provide for the Case of Removal, Death, Resignation or Inability, both of the President and Vice President, declaring what Officer shall then act as President, and such Officer shall act accordingly, until the Disability be removed, or a President John Kerry shall be elected, or maybe President Al Gore. Since Chimpy stole elections from both of them, they can arm wrestle for it, best 2 out of 3 wins.
Clause 7:
The President shall, at stated Times, receive for his Services, a Compensation, which shall neither be encreased nor diminished during the Period for which he shall have been elected, and he shall not receive within that Period any other Emolument from the United States, or any of them include the occasional hummer from an intern of his choosing.
Clause 8:
Before he enter on the Execution of his Office, he shall take the following Oath or Affirmation:--"I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States spotted owl."
Section 2
Clause 1:
The President shall be Commander in Chief of the Salvation Army and Old Navy department stores of the United States, and of the Militia of the several States, when called into the actual Service of the United States; he may require the Opinion permission, in writing, of the principal Officer in each of the executive Departments, upon any Subject relating to the Duties of their respective Offices France, and he shall have Power to grant Reprieves and Pardons for Offences against the United States, except in Cases of Impeachment to Marc Rich and selected members of the FALN.
Clause 2:
He shall have Power, by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, to make Treaties, provided two thirds of the Democrat Senators present concur; and he shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, shall appoint Ambassadors, other public Ministers and Consuls but not John Bolton, progressive-minded Judges of the supreme Court unanimously approved by Jesse Jackson, Ted Kennedy, and NARAL and all other Officers of the United States, whose Appointments are not herein otherwise provided for, and which shall be established by Law: but the Congress may by Law vest the Appointment of such inferior Officers, as they think proper, in the President alone, in the Courts of Law, or in the Heads of Departments shall be appointed by the members of PETA and the Sierra Club.
Clause 3:
The President shall have Power to fill up all Vacancies that may happen during the Recess of the Senate, by granting Commissions which shall expire at the End of their next Session That's Cheating! (Well, unless Clinton does it.).
Section 3
He shall from time to time give to the Congress Information of the State of the Union... Blah, Blah, Blah...
Section 4
The President, Vice President and all civil Officers of the United States, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors or for being a Republican - same thing! Oh, and lying about sex under oath doesn't count, so there.
Article III
Section 1
The judicial Power of the United States, shall be vested in one Supreme Court, and in such inferior Courts as the Congress may from time to time ordain and establish. The Judges, both of the supreme and inferior Courts, shall hold their Offices during good Behaviour, and shall, at stated Times, receive for their Services, a Compensation, which shall not be diminished during their Continuance in Office be unabashed liberal activists and devout atheists, and will swear allegiance to Planned Parenthood and the ACLU.
Section 2
Clause 1: The judicial Power shall extend to all facets of life.
Clause 2: Yawn...
Clause 3: The Trial of all Crimes, except in Cases of Impeachment, shall be by Jury... Yeah, Yeah, Yeah... Oh, and O.J. was framed, you racists!
Section 3
Clause 1: Treason against the United States, shall consist only in levying of supporting the War against Iraq them, or in adhering to their Enemies, giving them Aid and Comfort. No Person shall be convicted of Treason unless on the Testimony of two Witnesses to the same overt Act, or on Confession in open Court or "outing" Super-Secret Agent Valerie Plame to Bob Novak.
Clause 2: The Congress Michael Moore shall have Power to declare the Punishment of Treason, but no Attainder of Treason shall work Corruption of Blood, or Forfeiture except during the Life of the Person attainted and sit on your head.
Article IV
Full Faith and Credit shall be given in each State to the public Acts, Records, and judicial Proceedings of every other State... Suffice it to say that according to liberal activist judges, anything goes because of this here Article, Spunky! 'Nuff said!
Article V
The Congress, whenever two thirds of both Houses shall deem it necessary, shall propose Amendments to this Constitution... Yakety, Schmakety
Article VII
The Ratification... Been there, done that
Constitutional Amendments:
The Bill of Rights:
Amendment I
Congress The Courts shall make allow no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech but only if it agrees with the progressive point of view, otherwise it is hate speech, or of the press except for the lying Nazi swine at Fox News, right wing talk show hosts, right wing bloggers or anyone else who tries to counter our point of view in public; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, wave badly misspelled signs and sing We Shall Overcome, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances and legalized mind-altering drugs. Oh, and there's a right to privacy, too - cause we said so. And everyone has an inherent right never to be offended by something somebody else says or does, except Christians and Conservatives, who have no Rights whatsoever.
Amendment II
Move along, nothing to see here! It doesn't mean what it says anyway, you troglodyte!
Amendment III
No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law speak out against that great War Hero, Sen. John Kerry.
Amendment IV
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized. Let the good times roll! Oh! And more privacy...
Amendment V
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation unless the local government can make a nice profit off of it. Hey! Get away from Judge Souter's house, that's not what we meant, damnit!
Amendment VI
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence and a gentle slap on the wrist from an understanding judge who really cares.
Amendment VII
In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law the Jury shall find in favor of the plaintiff against the evil corporations who like to kill and maim people and do no good for anybody ever anyway, so what do we care.
Amendment VIII
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted, especially on those nice boys from al Qaeda being held at Guantanamo Bay.
Amendment IX
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people courts.
Amendment X
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people great sages in their black robes.
More Constitutional Amendments:
Amendment XI
The Judicial power of the United States shall not be construed to extend to any suit in law or equity, commenced or prosecuted against one of the United States by Citizens of another State, or by Citizens or Subjects of any Foreign State.
Except, of course, for foreign nationals captured out of uniform on foreign soil attempting to kill our soldiers, who are entitled to the full protections of our courts from those barbarians in the military, those poor boys.
Amendment XII
Zzzzzzzzzzz...
Amendment XIII
Section 1. Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.
Section 2. Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.
Read it and weep, Rednecks! You know you want to repeal it - c'mon admit it! We know all Republicans hate this, even if it was put in there by, well, a bunch of Republicans, but that was just for show! You're all still racists and you know it! Oh! And that no more slavery thing goes for my womb, too! Hands off, turkey!
Amendment XIV
That's right! The motherlode! Civil Rights, baby! You don't have to read it, it says whatever we want it to say anyway... And you better believe legalized abortion, too, I tell you what! Oh, and stem cells! It's in there! Trust us!
Amendment XV
Section 1. The right of citizens of the United States to vote for Democrats shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of race, color, or previous condition of servitude or immigration status, or failure to register, or voting multiple times or in multiple precincts or on account of being dead, or a convicted felon or imaginary, or a housepet, or an aborted fetus, etc. But those absentee ballots from Armed Services personnel, chuck 'em in the trash can, chum - we don't want 'em counted! By the way... In case of a close election, just keep counting until the Democrat wins!
Section 2. The Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation. So there!
Amendment XVI
The Congress shall have power to lay and collect taxes on incomes, from whatever source derived, without apportionment among the several States, and without regard to any census or enumeration.
Woo-hoo! Party!!! Celebrate good times, c'mon!
Amendment XVII
Direct election of Senators. Yawn...
Amendment XVIII
Prohibition - It's now gone the way of the dodo. Next!
Amendment XIX
The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex. Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.
I am woman, hear me roar... Take that, you sexist pig Republicans, you! Everything bad is all your fault, and don't you ever forget it! Abortions for everybody!
Amendment XX
Mostly Presidential term and succession mumbo jumbo. It says that when we impeach Bush, whomever we want gets to become President, so there!
Amendment XXI
Bye-bye Prohibition, hello booze! (Teddy's favorite!)
Amendment XXII
Section 1. No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice... except Bill Clinton! Oh, and Hillary, too!
Amendment XXIII
D.C. Representation. Three free Electoral Votes for Democrats! Yes! (Oh, wait, we just decided to get rid of those things, didn't we?)
Amendment XXIV
No more poll tax, Mr. Jim Crow. And by that I mean you, you Republican racists! And don't start telling me the Democrats ran all those Southern States back then, because we all know who the
real racists are, now don't we?
Amendment XV
More Presidential succession stuff. Oh, and we can now replace the Vice President, whoop-de-doo!
Amendment XXVI
18 Year Old skulls full of mush can now vote! Woo-hoo! More free votes for us from the young and naive! MTV Rock the Vote, baby! Yeah! Pssssttt... Bush is going to reinstate the draft!
No really, he is! Any day now...
Amendment  XXVII
No law varying the compensation for the services of the Senators and Representatives shall take effect until an election of Representatives shall have intervened. We'll just stop with 26 - a nice even number, what do you say? I didn't see this one if you didn't!

NOTE: Post corrected for grammatical error.